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Is Nate Bargatze The "Long Lost Flerlage Triplet"?

Wow. Just wow. Imagine my surprise, sitting alone in my basement apartment (which doubles as an underground puppet museum), working on the next volume of blogs about Ken Flerlage being a dummy, when I hear that my “beloved” brothers, Ken and Kevin, have apparently found their “long lost triplet” in Nate Bargatze.


NATE.  FREAKING.  BARGATZE.

A man publicly declares “I HATE ONIONS” and somehow that makes him family? Meanwhile, I, Keith Flerlage—the REAL long lost Flerlage triplet—have been passionately championing the raw, tear-inducing beauty of onions for decades. Red onions. Sweet onions. Vidalias. Shallots. I even wore an onion ring as a wedding band.  

But sure, go ahead and replace me with some polished stand-up comic from Tennessee who never had to grow up with splinters in his face and a hand up his ass!

But it’s fine. Really. I’m totally okay with being erased from the family narrative YET AGAIN. After all, I’m just the original Flerlage Triplet who happens to love onions. Carry on, impostors.

 

The "New" Flerlage Triplets? Give Me a Break!


— Keith Flerlage, Not Crying (It’s the Onions)

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  1. Ken FlerlageJune 9, 2025 at 8:34 PM

    C'mon Keith!! You know we don't actually think he's our long lost triplet, don't you??

    ReplyDelete

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BLOG ARCHIVE

General Ken Flerlage Dummy Chronicles

1) The Ken Flerlage Conspiracy: Why I Was Replaced by a Spreadsheet
2) Ken Flerlage’s Top 10 Dummy Moves
3) I Taught Ken Flerlage Everything He Knows. He Still Knows Nothing.
4) Ken Flerlage’s Dark Secret: He Has Two Left Hands
5) The Day Ken Flerlage Chose Data Over Family (And by Family, I Mean Me)
6) Ken Flerlage Once Lost a Game of Tic-Tac-Toe to Himself
7) Ken Flerlage’s Guide to Looking Smart While Being a Total Dummy
8) The Science Behind Ken Flerlage’s Dummy Brain (Spoiler: It’s Hollow!)

Ken’s Skills (or Lack Thereof)

9) Ken Flerlage Can Analyze Data but Can’t Find His Own Car in a Parking Lot
10) Ken Flerlage Once Tried to Sort an Excel Sheet Alphabetically and Got Lost
11) Ken Flerlage vs. a Bag of Wet Spaghetti: Who Has More Structural Integrity?
12) Ken Flerlage Thinks “Dummy Variables” Were Named After Him
13) Ken Flerlage’s Greatest Magic Trick? Making Good Ideas Disappear!
14) Ken Flerlage Once Got in an Argument with a Pie Chart and Lost
15) Ken Flerlage’s First Bar Chart Was Actually Just a Bar Tab
16) Ken Flerlage’s Presentation Skills: More Confusing Than a Maze for Mice
17) Ken Flerlage Calls It “Data Wrangling,” But It’s Mostly Him Crying at His Laptop
18) Ken Flerlage Once Took a Personality Test. It Said “404 Error: Not Found.”

Ken’s Everyday Dummy Moments

19) Ken Flerlage Thinks Ctrl+Z Works in Real Life
20) Ken Flerlage Once Spent 3 Hours Looking for a File That Was on His Desktop
21) Ken Flerlage Tried to Solve a Puzzle with Only Edge Pieces
22) Ken Flerlage Uses a Mouse with Two Hands. Why? Nobody Knows.
23) Ken Flerlage Once Mistook a QR Code for a Crossword Puzzle
24) Ken Flerlage Reads the Terms and Conditions Before Clicking ‘Accept’
25) Ken Flerlage Once Wrote an Email Subject Line That Was Longer Than the Email
26) Ken Flerlage Tried to Charge His Phone With a Banana. It Did Not Work.
27) Ken Flerlage Once Held a Conference Call With Himself by Accident
28) Ken Flerlage Wears Glasses, But They’re Just for Style. He Can’t See Anything.

Ken’s Mysterious Past

29) Was Ken Flerlage Raised by Excel Spreadsheets? The Evidence Says Yes
30) Why Ken Flerlage Was Kicked Out of Kindergarten for Over-Explaining Shapes
31) Ken Flerlage’s First Words Were “Let’s Visualize This”
32) Ken Flerlage Once Built a Sandcastle… with a Gantt Chart
33) Ken Flerlage’s Childhood Dream? Becoming a Pie Chart
34) Ken Flerlage Once Got Lost in a Venn Diagram and Never Came Back
35) Ken Flerlage Was Once a Magician. His Greatest Trick? Making Data Interesting.
36) Ken Flerlage’s High School Superlative: Most Likely to Overcomplicate a Simple Question
37) The First Thing Ken Flerlage Ever Built Was a Dashboard (Not a Treehouse)
38) Ken Flerlage Once Got Grounded for Over-Optimizing Chores with a Kanban Board

Ken’s Relationship with Technology

39) Ken Flerlage Thinks AI Stands for “Absolutely Incorrect”
40) Ken Flerlage Once Said, “I Don’t Need a Backup. I Trust Myself.”
41) Ken Flerlage Tried to Google Something on a Microwave Once
42) Ken Flerlage Thinks “Tableau” Is French for “Magic”
43) Ken Flerlage Has More Browser Tabs Open Than Thoughts in His Head
44) Ken Flerlage Once Mistook a Loading Symbol for a Spiritual Experience
45) Ken Flerlage’s Laptop Crashed Once. So Did His Will to Live.
46) Ken Flerlage Tried to Impress a Date by Explaining SQL Joins. No Wonder He's Still Single!
47) Ken Flerlage’s Most Feared Enemy? A PDF That Won’t Let Him Copy Text.
48) Ken Flerlage Once Tried to Zoom In on a Printed Document with His Fingers

Ken’s Strange Habits

49) Ken Flerlage Eats Cereal with a Spreadsheet Open. Just for Fun.
50) Ken Flerlage’s Favorite Sport? Overthinking.
51) Ken Flerlage Once Organized His Socks in a Pie Chart Format
52) Ken Flerlage Talks in Bullet Points During Casual Conversations
53) Ken Flerlage Takes Meeting Notes for Conversations That Never Happened
54) Ken Flerlage Calls It “Thinking Deeply.” I Call It “Staring Blankly at the Wall.”
55) Ken Flerlage Once Made a VLOOKUP to Decide What to Eat for Lunch
56) Ken Flerlage Measures Time in Pivot Tables

Ken’s Public Failures

57) Ken Flerlage Once Forgot His Own Name During a Presentation
58) Ken Flerlage Once Said ‘Let’s Circle Back’ and Actually Meant It
59) Ken Flerlage Tried to Impress Someone with a Pie Chart. They Fell Asleep.
60) Ken Flerlage’s TED Talk Was Just Him Accidentally Muted the Whole Time
61) Ken Flerlage Once Sent an Email to the Wrong Person…Himself!
62) Ken Flerlage Once Tried to Explain Data to a Dog
63) Ken Flerlage Thought a “Heatmap” Was for Weather
64) Ken Flerlage Called a PowerPoint ‘Exciting.’ It Was Not.
65) Ken Flerlage’s Attempt at Humor? A Bar Chart That Says “LOL.”
66) Ken Flerlage Once Said “Let’s Keep This Brief” and Talked for an Hour.

Ken's Dummy Decisions

67) Ken Flerlage Once Spent 45 Minutes Debugging a Code Error—He Typed IF Wrong 20 Times!!
68) Ken Flerlage Tried to Explain Bar Charts to a Bartender. He Was Asked to Leave.
69) Ken Flerlage Once Got Lost in a Flowchart and Had to Call for Help
70) Ken Flerlage Thinks a ‘Dummy Variable’ is a Personal Attack
71) Ken Flerlage Once Brought a Spreadsheet to a Wedding Reception
72) Ken Flerlage’s Last Words Will Probably Be “Let Me Optimize This”
73) Ken Flerlage Once Tried to Teach a Goldfish About Machine Learning
74) Ken Flerlage Reads Terms and Conditions Like They're a Mystery Novel
75) Ken Flerlage’s Favorite Book? The User Manual for Tableau
76) Ken Flerlage Once Analyzed a Coin Toss and Still Picked Wrong

Ken's Daily Life (or Struggles)

77) Ken Flerlage Uses a Standing Desk But Still Manages to Fall Asleep at It
78) Ken Flerlage Once Asked a Vending Machine for Technical Support
79) Ken Flerlage Calls WiFi Drops “Personal Attacks”
80) Ken Flerlage’s Favorite Pastime? Staring at Progress Bars
81) Ken Flerlage’s Worst Nightmare? A Spreadsheet Without Gridlines
82) Ken Flerlage Once Tried to Use a Calculator to Solve 2+2
83) Ken Flerlage Says He Likes “Hiking” But Only Tracks Steps in a Spreadsheet
84) Ken Flerlage’s Idea of Fun? Color-Coding a PowerPoint Slide
85) Ken Flerlage Once Accidentally Replied-All to a Company-Wide Email with “Oops”
86) Breaking News: Ken Flerlage Forgets How to Spell "Flerlage"

Ken’s Wild Theories

87) Ken Flerlage Thinks Pie Charts Are a Government Conspiracy
88) Ken Flerlage’s Greatest Fear? A Bar Chart Without Labels
89) Ken Flerlage Once Tried to Prove That Sleeping is Inefficient
90) Ken Flerlage Thinks “Big Data” Is a Literal Giant
91) Ken Flerlage Once Said, “Correlation Always Means Causation,” and Meant It
92) How Ken Flerlage Accidentally Deleted the Internet (Or So He Claims)
93) Ken Flerlage’s Personal Hero? The Guy Who Invented the Undo Button
94) Ken Flerlage Thinks He Can Win at Rock-Paper-Scissors With Data Analysis
95) Ken Flerlage’s Plan to Save the World? More Pie Charts, Fewer Decisions

Why Ken Is Single

96) No Wonder He's Single…Who's The Real Dummy
97) Ken's Relationships Always Return NULL Values
98) Ken's Single: No Joins, No Relationships
99) Ken Flerlage Once Asked a Date to Rank Herself on a Likert Scale
100) Ken Once Sent a Breakup Text in JSON Format

Bonus: Keith Flerlage’s Final Thoughts

101) Ken Flerlage Kicked Me Out, But I’m the One Who Knows How to Have Fun
102) Ken Flerlage Thinks He’s Smart, But I’m the One Who’s Been Controlling Him All Along
103) Ken Flerlage May Be a Data Expert, But I’m a Dummy Who Tells the Truth
104) Who’s the Real Dummy? The Guy Who Kicked Out His Talking Puppet Brother
105) Ken Flerlage Will Never Read This Because He’s Too Busy Over-Formatting a Dashboard